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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:02 pm

"And I would have wished that for her. Kylie wasn't meant for me but she was a good woman and I'd want her to be as happy as I would have been with Bianca. As I am with her. I wanted that for Kylie and sadly she isn't here to get that." I heard us come to a stop and took in a deep breath. "I'm ready, what about you ladies? Ready?" This was final after this moment there was no turning back. Jacob and Kylie would be buried. Gone forever. And that tugged at my heart like ropes made of wire.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:06 pm

"Yes, it would, baby!" I told her honestly, kissing the top of her head. "We're a family. All four of us, and being together is what makes all four of us happy." I pulled back to look at her. "My life is empty without you in it. My heart is empty without you in my arms. Please come home. We can fix things better if we're together. Please."
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:32 pm

Whether I was ready or not, I had to be. Nodding, I moved forward after Dante stepped out of the car and helped Miss Parisi out. I stepped out following suit as well. The pallbearers, all members of Dante's football team, were carrying my daughter's and her son's caskets to the graves, setting them down on the contraption that would lower them down into the ground. I froze there after just stepping out of the car, unable to move. "I can't do this. I can't." My voice came out so weak and broken, I barely even recognized it as my own voice.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:32 pm

I took a step back toward Miss Forbes and wrapped my arm around her. "Dante and I are right here for you. If we can do this, you can." I looked up at Dante, knowing he'd help her too. I could be strong for her. I wasn't burying my child today, but they were both burying theirs. I had to be strong for both of them. Jacob would have been my step-son, well sorta. Dante and I aren't married or anything, but I would have treated him like he was. So I had to be strong for both of them.

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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:42 pm

I slid an arm around Danica's waist, next to Bianca's and helping her stand like Bianca was. "She's right. We'll help you be able to do this. I promise." I helped her walk, at least the best I knew how. When we got toward the graves I found it harder for me to move, but I managed because I had too. I had to manage for Danica and for myself. "It's okay." I promised her, rubbing her back and looking over at Bianca, giving her a weak smile.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:45 pm

"Jackson." I said, sighing, my shoulders slumping. "Fine, I'll come home... but we have to fix us first.. which means I need to sleep in the guest room." It wasn't exactly ideal but at least it wasn't that hotel room anymore and I could finally bring my puppy home from my dad's house... and actually have a place of my own.. where people didn't take pictures anytime I was outside the room. This way I was really home. Alone. Safe with Jackson and our kids. Even if our marriage wasn't fixed perfectly I was going to be home. With him.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 11:26 pm

I leaned my head forward. "Honestly, baby? Is that really necessary? You know neither one of us will be able to stay away from each other. Just sleep in our bed. We can have JJ sleep in the middle of us if you'd like that better, if that would make things better for you." I didn't understand why she didn't want to be in my arms, but at least that way I'd have her close to me. "Please, baby. I need you."
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 11:30 pm

I couldn't believe I was being so weak. I needed to be strong. I had always been strong for Kylie. I couldn't be breaking down like this at her funeral. I had to be strong for her even here. I looked at Miss Parisi and then to Dante. "I'm ok," I whispered, taking my seat on the other side of Kylie's casket, letting Dante and Miss Parisi go. It hurt to be here like this, but I had to be strong for my daughter.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Mon Dec 12, 2011 11:32 pm

I wrapped my arms around Dante, walking with him over in front of Jacob's tiny casket. I don't know what I'd ever do if I lost DJ. If we lost DJ. I knew this had to be hurting Dante more than I could even imagine. "I'm here for you, babe," I whispered up to him, reminding him like I had at the church. "Draw whatever you need from me. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:45 am

"Jackson.." I sighed. "Are you never satisfied?" I said a small smile creeping across my face. I lifted my hands, holding his head against mine. "Isn't what I'm giving more than enough? I mean it's more than you've got from me in awhile.." I pulled back to look at him. "Fine, but, this doesn't mean we're fixed or okay.. it just means I miss sleeping with you." My smile grew as I giggled.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:53 am

"Thank you." I told Bianca, kissing the top of her head. I decided to let Danica have her space and just held Bianca as I stared at my son's casket. It hurt. Even worse than before because now was really the moment it hit me that he was going to never play basketball with his brother, or root for his favorite team, or get to tell me he loved me or.. his mother.. or even Bianca. He was alone in that thing.. alone and he'd be alone forever.. "Oh, damn." I mumbled, brushing some tears away. I heard the priest begin the burying ceremony and took in a sharp breath. "I just wanna go home." I whispered to Bianca honestly. I really did just want this over. I wanted to crawl in bed with some pizza and stay there with my son and girlfriend. That's all I wanted.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:33 am

"I know it doesn't mean that we're fixed," I told her softly. "I know we're just working on things, but I need you in my arms, baby. I can't go on without you there. I'm nothing without you. Everything is blah without you. You are my life!"
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:36 am

I didn't know if he meant now or after things were over. "I know, babe. I know," I whispered. I hugged him more, closing my eyes. "We can leave when you're ready." I could hear his heart against my ear. It was racing, and I knew it was because he had to watch his son be buried. I wanted to take his pain away from him, but I didn't know how.

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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:43 am

"Soon," I said, trying to take a deep breath. I hugged her tighter to me and closed my eyes. "Soon..." I wanted to leave so badly but didn't have the courage to do it yet. I opened my eyes, watching as they lowered my son and Kylie into the ground. The man saying nice words as he did, and tossing something into the graves. I had to assume it was rosary, because from here it looked like it.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:45 am

"You've got me. Let's just go get JJ and go home, please?" I knew the others had already left and I wasn't much for dragging myself out in the cold and saying goodbye to a stranger I never liked and a little boy I never got to love. I pulled my jacket on and took his hand. "Oh, we also have to get something to eat.. like Taco Bell because Audrey is going to kill me if I don't feed her." I said with a smile.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:10 am

Taco Bell sounds great to me," I told her, kissing the top of her head. Wrapping my arm around her, we walked out of the room. "I came here with my parents. Do you have your car here?"
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:11 am

I knew Dante was hurting. I knew it. But there was nothing I could do for him. Nothing more than I was already doing. Letting him know that I was here for him. I knew this had to be killing him, and all I could do was hold him. I watched as Miss Forbes walked over and picked up a rose from the long stem roses between the caskets, taking it and dropping it in the grave, looking up at Dante, wondering if he wanted to do that for Jacob and Kylie. But I wasn't going to ask. If he did, we would, if not, I'd just hold him.

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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:15 am

"I do." I walked outside with him, glad to see the vultures had followed the caskets.. not that I wanted B or Dante or even Miss. Forbes to have to deal with that.. but it was away from me. I walked down the steps with him, over to my car. "You can drive." I told him, giving him my car keys.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:16 am

I brushed my face dry, walking over to grab two roses. I smiled at my mom and pops and Auntie Chelle and tossed a rose inside Kylie's plot before coming up to Jacob's. I dropped his, said a silent 'I love you' and stepped back over to Bianca. "Let's go.. I don't wanna watch them lower her down.. or him.. we can wait in the limo for Danica."
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:26 am

As I took the keys from her, I leaned over and gave her forehead a kiss. "I love you, baby." Inhaling deeply, I looked over her. "I love you so much! So much!" I smiled down at her and opened the passenger door for her once we got to the car, helping her slide in before shutting the door for her. I ran around and got in the driver's side, pulling on my belt and starting up the car. "Promise you. Things are going to be better." I leaned over, giving her a soft kiss before pulling back and smiling at her again. Pulling the car into drive, I pulled away from the church, heading for her parents' house. I was sure JJ would want some Taco Bell too.
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PostSubject: Re: This doesn't have to be harder than it already is   Tue Dec 13, 2011 2:29 am

I took his hand and held his arm close to my body as we both walked back over to the limo. He opened the door and we climbed in just as we had before. Once we were seated, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him tightly against me. "I love you, Dante," I told him, swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay. "I know Jacob loved you too, even if he never was out to show you. You were his pops and he loved you so much." I knew that for a fact. He was Dante's son, and I know how much Dante cared for his children, even when they're in their mama's stomachs. I know he felt Dante's love and loved him just as much in return.

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