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PostSubject: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 1:19 am

I tapped my foot against the floor as I played my guitar singing. "I've been sittin here. Tryin to find myself. I get behind myself. I need to rewind myself. Looking for the payback. Listen for the playback. They say that every man bleeds just like me. And I feel like number one, yet I'm last in line." I stopped playing, grabbing a pill, popping it in my mouth and swishing it around with my Brandy.

I missed Bianca... terribly. All the time. I couldn't miss my daughter because I didn't have any fucking clue what she was like to miss. I had no memories. I barely had a face to her name. Bianca stopped by once in a blue moon to force me to eat, or give me pictures, or beg me to fix myself if she was desperate enough. But most of the time she didn't bother. Nobody did. Outside the whores wanting my money or my cock, I was alone. My sister hated me. The woman I loved hated me. My kid didn't know me and I didn't have friends.

All I had was the pills, the coke, the liquor. It's all I had. And I wasn't giving it up. Not ever. I felt dizzy but I picked up my guitar and started strumming my guitar again. "I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain. I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same. Everybody knows my name. They say it way out loud. A lot of folks fuck with me. It's hard to hang out in crowds. I guess that's the price you pay. To be some big shot like I am! Out strecthed hands and one night stands, still I can't find love!"
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:05 am

I used my key to let me in. He wouldn't answer the door even if I knocked, so I kept a key just in case. And I knew there was a part of him that liked me stopping over, even if he said he didn't and yelled at me most of the time when I did come over, so I knew he'd never change the lock. I was the only one from the family who even came over to see him. A wouldn't. Monica wouldn't. I did, because I was still in love with him. No one would ever know, no one short of A that is, but I would love him forever.

I shut the door and walked into the kitchen, setting the bags I carried in my arms on the counter, starting to put things away. I could hear him singing a song, it was one of his favorites, I'd heard him sing it time and time again. I listened to it over and over again on my iPod. That and Picture, the song he recorded with Tessa Carter. I knew that was our song, a song he wrote about us, but he'd never admit it and I'd never ask, but I knew.

But this song was pretty much his theme song. It was painful to listen to, but it was a part of him, and therefore it was one of my favorite songs. I sang along with him, softly, so I could put the food away before he knew I was here. Then I'd check in on him before I left. From the way he sounded, he sounded high as a fucking kite, like usual, but I wasn't going to let it affect me. I was going to be strong this time. I wasn't going to beg him or try to entice him, nothing. Not this time. I was just here to make sure he was alright, or as alright as he could be, and leave. That's all I'd do.

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:17 am

"People don't know about the things I say and do. They don't understand about the shit that I've been through. It's been so long since I've been home. I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long. Maybe I forgot all things I miss. Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this." I tapped my foot against the carpet, focusing on the notes more. I didn't want to mess it up. "I said it too many times! And I still stand firm, you get what you put in and people get what they deserve! Still I ain't seen mine. No I ain't seen mine.." I stopped, cocking my head to the side, wondering if I was hearing things. When I didn't hear anything I went back to singing.

"I've been giving just ain't been gettin. I've been walking that there line. So I think I'll keep a walking with my head held high. I'll keep moving on and only God knows whyyyy!" I stopped again, sure I was hearing something. I stood setting my guitar down, rubbing my tired eyes. I hadn't slept in days. I hadn't ate even longer than that. But sometimes when you binged on coke you forgot to eat, to sleep, and since I was all out of coke, the pills helped but I knew I'd crash soon. I came to the kitchen and stopped in the doorway, staring at Bianca. She was still the most beautiful woman on planet earth. She had a heart as big as the Grand Canyon it's why she kept coming back for me after all the things I've done. She didn't deserve me. She deserved better. So much better. "Just letting yourself in are we?" I always treated her like shit hoping someday she'd stop coming. It would be better for her and Tamara in the long run. They both deserved so much better. And maybe if I pushed hard enough she'd stop coming.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:22 am

I took a deep breath before turning back to get more food from the bags. I had hoped I'd be done in here before he knew I was here, but I hadn't been fast enough. I continued putting the food away though. "You wouldn't let me in if I didn't let myself in." I told him, matter of factly. "Would you like me to cook you something... since I'm here anyway." I didn't even look at him. It was too painful. It always was. "I'm sure you haven't eaten in days."

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:39 am

"I'm not hungry. And I'd really appreciate you getting the hell out. This is my place. Not yours. So... scram." I took in sharp breath when I felt a pain on my chest. I wasn't sure if it was my heart or my heart. Either way it ached. "I don't need your help. How many times do I need to tell you that before you get it? Monica got it. Abby got it. Are you not smart enough to get it?"
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:47 am

That was it. I couldn't do this. I couldn't... Turning, I gripped the counter, staring at him. "I will never give up on you. Can't YOU see that?" I wasn't about to tell him I was in love with him. I wasn't graveling today. I wasn't stooping that low, but I wasn't going to sit back and let him trample all over me either. "So just fucking deal with it! Now, do you want a hamburger or a salad?"

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:49 am

I rolled my eyes. "Hamburger." I grunted, knowing if I let her cook she'd leave faster. I walked into the living room, leaving her there and picking up my guitar. I started strumming out the notes for Picture, not even realizing I was playing Bianca's song with Bianca right there.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:02 am

I bit my lip as I turned on the frying pan to make his burger. Pulling a patty out of the freezer, I turned and started silently started humming as he sang the first part. I loved this song. He'd never know how much I did. I'd never tell him. Even if it was depressing, I loved it. When he was done singing the first part, I silently started singing the next part, the part Tessa Carter sang on his album.

"I called you last night in the hotel, everyone knows but they don't tell. But their half hearted smiles tell me somethin just aint right. I been waitin on you for a long time. Fuelin up on heart aches and cheep wine. I aint heard from you in three damn nights." The song was ours, all the way around. He didn't know I kept a picture of his tucked away in my bedside drawer and he never would.

"I put your picture away. I wonder where you been. I can't look at you while I'm lyin next to him." Then again... I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I'm sure he thought I did. "I put your picture away. I wonder where you been. I can't look at you while I'm lyin next to him."

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:10 am

I sang through most of the song, coming to the part where the guitar cuts out some, just singing out loud by myself. "It was the same old same, "How have you been?" Since you been gone my world's been dark and gray! You reminded me of brighter days," I sang, tapping my foot as I let the smell from the kitchen fill my senses. I hated eating most days but since I ran out of coke and was feeling sick the food smell actually helped. However I knew the second I ate I'd puke it back up but what could I do? I picked up the Brandy, emptying the bottle and tossing it aside with the other empty bottles and went back to strumming on my guitar.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:16 am

"I hoped you were comin' home to stay." I closed my eyes, wishing for that more than ever. "I was headed to church..." And the next words made me want to cry. "I was off to drink you away." I continued singing softly with him. "I thought about you for a long time. Can't seem to get you off my mind. I can't understand why we're living life this way." I really couldn't. We should be happy. But he just couldn't change his ways. Not for me. Not for anybody.

"I found your picture to day. I swear I'll change my ways." And I would. I'd do anything for him. I'd stop nagging. I'd stop guilting. I'd stop doing all the things I did that made him stay away from me, just to have him back with me. "I just called to say I want you to come back home..." I couldn't sing anymore. It hurt too much. I focused on the burger, pulling out the buns and condiments to fix it up for him.

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:20 am

I put my guitar down, pinching my nose, stopping the tears that burned at my eyes. I always got teary eyed during that song. I always felt so sad I wanted to cry. It ached that bad. I laid back, closing my eyes and sighing heavily. I missed her so damn much.. but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop drinking. Or the drugs.. or the girls. I couldn't stop for her. For my kid. Nobody. I just kept destroying myself. Maybe it was my mother's death. Maybe it was a step father that hated my guts.. or a step mother who hated me too.. or maybe I was just a weak bastard. But it felt better when I medicated the pain.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:24 am

I finished the burger and poured some chips on the plate too, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and walking into the living room. I saw the pile of bottles and sat the plate and bottle down on the table beside where he was sitting before walking over to start to clean up the bottles. I hated how he destroyed himself, but I wasn't going to give up on him as long as I lived. Never could. I was in love with him and that wasn't ever going to go away.

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:35 am

I turned, muttering a quick "Thanks," before plopping a chip in my mouth. I watched as she cleaned up the bottles and glared. I hated her trying to fix shit. i liked it the way it was. "Stop," She didn't stop. So I stood, grabbing her wrists and pulling a bottle from her hand, tossing it at the wall. It shattered. "I said stop!"
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 3:40 am

I barely flinched, but I kept my ground, standing in front of him determined and not about to back down. I never cowered in front of him. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. No matter how mad he got or how drugged up or drunk he was. "No! I cannot stand the way you're living here. I'm not going to tell you to stop, but the least I can do is try to fix things while I'm here! Don't you dare tell me not to. If I didn't, this place would smell like death warmed over. Just like you do. After you're finished eating, I'm going to throw your ass in the shower. I don't care if that pisses you off or what it does, but I'm not going to let you slowly kill yourself. I can't get you to stop anything, but the least I can do is make things better while I'm here. So sit your ass down and eat your food while I clean up. And don't you dare tell me to stop, because you sure as hell know that I'm not going to. No way in hell, my dear!"

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 7:41 pm

I glared hard at her, growling low in my voice before turning and walking back to the couch. I plopped down, taking a rough bite from my burger and staring at her. "You can't fix shit. I don't know why the fuck you try! I won't change for you! Not ever! And changing my apartment won't fix that!" I went back to my burger, breathing hard in anger.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:15 pm

I was glad he backed down. I hated fighting with him. I didn't want to fight with him. It was best that I just finish fixing the place up and then I'll go. "I will do what I do no matter what you say, Dante. Haven't you realized that by now?" I continued to clean up the bottles, knowing I'd have to get the broom and dustpan out to clean up the broken bottle. "And I don't care what you say. I'm going to do this, and then I'll get out of here. God knows neither of us can stand to be around the other." It was only partly true. I knew he wanted me to leave, and I knew it was just the drugs and alcohol talking, but he wanted me to leave. Me, I couldn't stand seeing him like this. Other than that, I did wish I could fix things. But I knew if he was ever going to get out of this slow hell, it was going to be by himself. I couldn't do it for him.

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:59 pm

I almost let out a grunt of pain. The words hurt but I suppose she was right. I was an unbearable bastard. She.. she was an angel and even if I acted like I hated her being here I didn't. "Whatever." I mumbled, taking another bite of my burger. I tried to ignore the urge to stop eating, mostly because I was feeling sick. I knew I was sweating. I could feel it. I was feeling the affects of withdrawl. My body was shaking pretty hard as I ate but I ignored it. As I always did. Or tried to anyways.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:07 pm

I came back into the room with the broom and dustpan after taking the bottles out to the trash and noticed how badly Dante was shaking. It pained me to see him like this. I hated it. I tried to keep it together, slowly asking, even against my better judgement, "Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you, Dante?" I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hold him through this, but I knew he wouldn't let me. I wiped at his head with the sleeve of my jacket. Jackets wash. And I wanted to do anything I could for him, even if that meant wiping the sweat from his brow.

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:21 pm

"No," I whispered heavily, shaking some and setting the half eaten burger down. "I should shower." I stood, feeling too dizzy and falling back down on the couch. "I think you should just go. Please. Do me this favor and go." I didn't want her to see me like this.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:27 pm

I couldn't find my voice, swallowing hard as I roughly whispered, still trying to hold myself together, "Let me help you. That's why I'm here. I just want to help."

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:32 pm

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and closed my eyes to trap the rest. "I don't want your help. How many times do I have to say that?" I whispered it so heavily because I could barely breath let alone speak. "I just need to get to the bathroom. To shower. I'll feel better. Just leave."
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:47 pm

I swallowed hard on the lump on my throat. "No, dammit. Not this time!" I reached forward, wrapping my arm around him, using all my strength to help him to his feet. The least I can do is help you to the bathroom and get the water turned on for you."

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:55 pm

"Fine," I grunted, moving down the hall with her. We got into the bathroom and she let me sit on the toilet. I leaned down, tugging my dirty socks off and tossing them aside. I undid my belt, getting that off as well. I hated her helping me but she wasn't taking no for an answer.
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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:13 pm

I reached into the shower and turned on the water, regulating it before opening the cupboard and pulling out a towel. All the other towels looked like they hadn't been washed in months. "I'm going to do your laundry while I'm here too, and don't argue with me, because I'm not taking no for an answer." Laying the towel on the counter, I walked over to him, pulling at his shirt to help him get undressed so he could shower.

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PostSubject: Re: The Addict...   Sun Feb 26, 2012 7:52 pm

I lifted my arms, letting her get my shirt off. I stood slowly, undoing my jeans and pulling them down before stopping and looking at her. "Okay, go." I grunted, not even bothering to fight about her doing my laundry. She wouldn't listen anyways.
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